This post will consist of information that it a little more raw.
It is to serve as a reminder for myself should our day ever come.
I would ask kindly that no one make comments on it.
Or take offense.
*
This year has been one of a lot of big ups & downs
One of the biggest 'ups' is the sudden surge of babies being born & conceived within our circle of friends. We've been thrilled for everyone, especially those who were assumed to have more difficulty due to age or fertility issues. Altogether, (as of the last count) there are 13 within our "close" circle - there are many many more when we consider those who we don't speak to often or know second-hand.
All these baby announcements have highlighted one of the biggest 'downs' at the same time.
We're still not expecting.
*
Now, don't get me wrong, we're not jealous or covetous of anyone.
(We don't want other peoples lives or their children)
But its sort of like when you see someone with their favorite treat, like mint chocolate chip ice cream (which I think is gross) Their eating it & enjoying it, and you're watching them, and even though you don't want their treat, you like licorice (which I think is yummy) it is a moment that highlights the fact that you don't have your favorite treat to eat & enjoy.
It's sort of like that.
With every birth announcement - the instant reaction is to be thrilled for that couple but sometimes (please note: sometimes) a short time later that moment serves to highlight what has still not happened for us.
*
I've shared this with a few friends & in their well-meaning they've said to be patient & that 'it'll happen for us'. But those words fail before they even reach my ears.
We have no choice but to be patient. We can't make it happen, only God can. So getting impatient or angry is useless, we know that.
As for the 'it'll happen' - no one knows that for sure. I don't care about how our chances are good etc. etc. There is no guarantee that any person can give that it'll happen. So why bother even saying it? (Or listening to it?)
But that is all the logical rational side of the situation.
*
Then there is my more wild emotional side that sometimes I'd like to stuff in a box & shove in the back corner of my closet so never deal with because I just don't have the strength to control it all the time.
It's the side of me that takes over once in a while. That gets my gut in a knot when I hear people taking about how they are sick & tired of being sick & tired while pregnant.
It's the side that I have to walk out of a room when hearing friends talk about birthing/maternity clothing/baby care/etc. etc. because I just might break down & cry if I don't get away.
It's the side that pushes so many thoughts & feelings to the surface & that holding it in gives me headaches when people go on about how hard it is to raise a child & how we should enjoy all the independence & freedom we have now.
It's the side of me that is making we well up with tears even as I write this because I am scared to offend, while at the same time being tired of holding back so much.
Then my rational side kicks in again & says I have nothing to worry about (yet) & that our day will come LORD willing.
*
Now if you are one of my many pregnant or parenting friends (which most of you are) take none of this personally. But once in a while these things come up for me - not all the time mind you. I'm not constantly like this.
I rejoice in the precious little gifts the LORD has given you. I am happy & want to celebrate with you, talk about baby things & be there to support & love you & baby in any way I can.
*
I wanted to write this all down so that I remember if/when it does happen for us.
I can remember on those days when I'm horribly uncomfortable, a thousand pound heavier, covered in stretchmarks, not to complain.
I can remember (hopefully) when facing labor & pain that I've never come close to experiencing before, that its for a beautiful cause.
I can remember when baby is screaming for the 16 night in a row at 3am not to wish for even a moment that we were just a 'family of two' again.
I can remember after washing the crayon marks off the wall that it was done by little hands that we helped create with God.
I can remember 20 years from now when we're facing a surly teenager who acts just like we did when we were teenagers & still love them intensely & sacrificially.
I can remember what it was like to be on the other side of the fence.
It is to serve as a reminder for myself should our day ever come.
I would ask kindly that no one make comments on it.
Or take offense.
*
This year has been one of a lot of big ups & downs
One of the biggest 'ups' is the sudden surge of babies being born & conceived within our circle of friends. We've been thrilled for everyone, especially those who were assumed to have more difficulty due to age or fertility issues. Altogether, (as of the last count) there are 13 within our "close" circle - there are many many more when we consider those who we don't speak to often or know second-hand.
All these baby announcements have highlighted one of the biggest 'downs' at the same time.
We're still not expecting.
*
Now, don't get me wrong, we're not jealous or covetous of anyone.
(We don't want other peoples lives or their children)
But its sort of like when you see someone with their favorite treat, like mint chocolate chip ice cream (which I think is gross) Their eating it & enjoying it, and you're watching them, and even though you don't want their treat, you like licorice (which I think is yummy) it is a moment that highlights the fact that you don't have your favorite treat to eat & enjoy.
It's sort of like that.
With every birth announcement - the instant reaction is to be thrilled for that couple but sometimes (please note: sometimes) a short time later that moment serves to highlight what has still not happened for us.
*
I've shared this with a few friends & in their well-meaning they've said to be patient & that 'it'll happen for us'. But those words fail before they even reach my ears.
We have no choice but to be patient. We can't make it happen, only God can. So getting impatient or angry is useless, we know that.
As for the 'it'll happen' - no one knows that for sure. I don't care about how our chances are good etc. etc. There is no guarantee that any person can give that it'll happen. So why bother even saying it? (Or listening to it?)
But that is all the logical rational side of the situation.
*
Then there is my more wild emotional side that sometimes I'd like to stuff in a box & shove in the back corner of my closet so never deal with because I just don't have the strength to control it all the time.
It's the side of me that takes over once in a while. That gets my gut in a knot when I hear people taking about how they are sick & tired of being sick & tired while pregnant.
It's the side that I have to walk out of a room when hearing friends talk about birthing/maternity clothing/baby care/etc. etc. because I just might break down & cry if I don't get away.
It's the side that pushes so many thoughts & feelings to the surface & that holding it in gives me headaches when people go on about how hard it is to raise a child & how we should enjoy all the independence & freedom we have now.
It's the side of me that is making we well up with tears even as I write this because I am scared to offend, while at the same time being tired of holding back so much.
Then my rational side kicks in again & says I have nothing to worry about (yet) & that our day will come LORD willing.
*
Now if you are one of my many pregnant or parenting friends (which most of you are) take none of this personally. But once in a while these things come up for me - not all the time mind you. I'm not constantly like this.
I rejoice in the precious little gifts the LORD has given you. I am happy & want to celebrate with you, talk about baby things & be there to support & love you & baby in any way I can.
*
I wanted to write this all down so that I remember if/when it does happen for us.
I can remember on those days when I'm horribly uncomfortable, a thousand pound heavier, covered in stretchmarks, not to complain.
I can remember (hopefully) when facing labor & pain that I've never come close to experiencing before, that its for a beautiful cause.
I can remember when baby is screaming for the 16 night in a row at 3am not to wish for even a moment that we were just a 'family of two' again.
I can remember after washing the crayon marks off the wall that it was done by little hands that we helped create with God.
I can remember 20 years from now when we're facing a surly teenager who acts just like we did when we were teenagers & still love them intensely & sacrificially.
I can remember what it was like to be on the other side of the fence.
No comments:
New comments are not allowed.